Porcupine Head

Venting time.

So, right off the bat, I'll tell you this: I normally wear my hair pulled back into a ponytail with the ponytail spiked up. Like a pineapple's leaves, spiky and hard like porcupine quills. My friends find amusement from pressing my hair down and having the spikes rebound back up.

I've always known I look really weird and certainly not pretty nor attractive, and I think people whisper about me in the hallways, but today it just took the cake.

I was sitting in the Commons outside the cafeteria after lunch, on a round-circle bench, drawing, and a guy who I've never seen before walks up to me and asks me how I get my hair to stay spiked as it is. I told him hairspray, and when he asked the brand, I simply replied "Got 2 B", and he nodded and left. I was a bit confused when he asked, because that boy had thick, curly hair, and I know I can't spike my hair unless I straighten it first.

A few minutes later, another boy comes over, but instead sits down beside me "reading a book" and slowly starts to slide closer to me. I'm just about to pack up and move when I look over at him, he says "Hey" and after a pause asks me about my hair. I tell him that another boy just asked me the same thing a minute ago (seeing as I was growing suspicious at this point) and told him I use hairspray. He asked what kind, I said "Got 2 B". He asked where he could by it, and I said "Jewel Osco". Uh... duh.

He left, and my friend came over maybe 5 minutes later. I whispered to her that two guys had come over and asked me what product I used and said that I think they were mocking me.

Low and behold, as we're leaving the Commons (which is like herding a thousand cattle out through this one tiny doorway, it's so packed and crowded) another boy with short-cut hair asks me how I do my hair. So I say to him, "Look, two other guys have already asked me the same thing in the past five minutes, so I think you're mocking me, so I'm not going to tell you." And then I went about my way to my next class.

That bothered me. The first guy seemed sincere about it, like he really was curious about my hair, and I didn't mind it then, plus it threw me off-guard. The other two were just annoying, and the whole thing bothers me because it's like, Hey, I'm not bothering anyone. It's hair, and I'm oh-so-sorry I can't wear it down and look 'pretty' or like any other girl and feel obliged to pull it back into a ponytail and spike it everyday. What's funny is just this morning, during Math class, I became abruptly concerned about my hair and wondered "Why do I always wear it like this? It's so ugly and it feels and looks so weird". Premonition, eh?

I guess I normally don't get bothered with whispers of "Why does she wear her hair like that?" "It's so ugly" because I already know that and I'm like 'Whatever'. But when people go out of their way to mock me, to my face, that bothers me and almost, just a bit, makes me wish I was normal. But then it makes me realize what douchebags normal guys are, and it makes me glad to be different.

It always hits home, though, thinking about my appearance. I know I'm not attractive and never will be, that when I spike my hair and wear crazy eye makeup, it's all really just for 'fashion' and feeling 'comfortable' or 'cool' or what I've come to define as 'looking normal' for myself. No guy passes me in the hallways and thinks a girl with spiky hair is 'hot' or 'cool' or 'sexy', no fuckin' way. And yeah, it hurts. It hurts knowing that no matter what, I'll probably never get a boyfriend. Not in high school, not in college. Not until I look somewhat 'normal'. Because no guy envisions a 'perfect girl' in his head and thinks of her looking like a pineapple head. And if I ever did wear my hair down, I wouldn't feel like me. My bangs get in my face, falling down to the tip of my nose (which requires all my hair to be gelled back into the ponytail, as well) and I get warm easily. So me not being able to see and being warm equivalents to extreme stupidity, and God knows I'm good enough at being stupid on my own.

Now here's a picture of me with a mother fuckin' pineapple. Because there's no such thing as 'punk' in my school, bar... eh, 4 people. And as for 'goths', I've only seen probably 3. Metal heads live on a bit more: maybe 10 I've seen of the like so far. The rest are 'norms.', 'jocks' (including cheerleaders, ladies), 'popular, dizzy girls/ ADHD boys', 'nerds', and 'emos'. So the odds of there being a little 'matchmaker-playout' between me and even someone else that exists is about 1:2600, if I'm lucky. Unfortunately, luck hardly seems to be on my side nowadays...