Posts
Saturday, May 12, 2012
AP Art - "LIMBO"
Oh my goodness - I had the best artistic epiphany today during church. So the priest was wanting us to pray that politicians support all forms of life (discrete anti-abortion speech), blahblahblah and that made me think about Dante Alighieri's THE INFERNO and how all unbaptized souls, included miscarriages and aborted fetuses (feti?) go to Limbo (a place even more dank and dark than their mother's vaginas) when it hit me: I'd been wanting to paint a pregnant teenager for a project for AP Art, and now I'm thinking laying at her feet, and in the background, will be different stages of aborted fetuses. It looks so amazing in my head :D
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, October 15, 2010
Porcupine Head
Venting time.
So, right off the bat, I'll tell you this: I normally wear my hair pulled back into a ponytail with the ponytail spiked up. Like a pineapple's leaves, spiky and hard like porcupine quills. My friends find amusement from pressing my hair down and having the spikes rebound back up.
I've always known I look really weird and certainly not pretty nor attractive, and I think people whisper about me in the hallways, but today it just took the cake.
I was sitting in the Commons outside the cafeteria after lunch, on a round-circle bench, drawing, and a guy who I've never seen before walks up to me and asks me how I get my hair to stay spiked as it is. I told him hairspray, and when he asked the brand, I simply replied "Got 2 B", and he nodded and left. I was a bit confused when he asked, because that boy had thick, curly hair, and I know I can't spike my hair unless I straighten it first.
A few minutes later, another boy comes over, but instead sits down beside me "reading a book" and slowly starts to slide closer to me. I'm just about to pack up and move when I look over at him, he says "Hey" and after a pause asks me about my hair. I tell him that another boy just asked me the same thing a minute ago (seeing as I was growing suspicious at this point) and told him I use hairspray. He asked what kind, I said "Got 2 B". He asked where he could by it, and I said "Jewel Osco". Uh... duh.
He left, and my friend came over maybe 5 minutes later. I whispered to her that two guys had come over and asked me what product I used and said that I think they were mocking me.
Low and behold, as we're leaving the Commons (which is like herding a thousand cattle out through this one tiny doorway, it's so packed and crowded) another boy with short-cut hair asks me how I do my hair. So I say to him, "Look, two other guys have already asked me the same thing in the past five minutes, so I think you're mocking me, so I'm not going to tell you." And then I went about my way to my next class.
That bothered me. The first guy seemed sincere about it, like he really was curious about my hair, and I didn't mind it then, plus it threw me off-guard. The other two were just annoying, and the whole thing bothers me because it's like, Hey, I'm not bothering anyone. It's hair, and I'm oh-so-sorry I can't wear it down and look 'pretty' or like any other girl and feel obliged to pull it back into a ponytail and spike it everyday. What's funny is just this morning, during Math class, I became abruptly concerned about my hair and wondered "Why do I always wear it like this? It's so ugly and it feels and looks so weird". Premonition, eh?
I guess I normally don't get bothered with whispers of "Why does she wear her hair like that?" "It's so ugly" because I already know that and I'm like 'Whatever'. But when people go out of their way to mock me, to my face, that bothers me and almost, just a bit, makes me wish I was normal. But then it makes me realize what douchebags normal guys are, and it makes me glad to be different.
It always hits home, though, thinking about my appearance. I know I'm not attractive and never will be, that when I spike my hair and wear crazy eye makeup, it's all really just for 'fashion' and feeling 'comfortable' or 'cool' or what I've come to define as 'looking normal' for myself. No guy passes me in the hallways and thinks a girl with spiky hair is 'hot' or 'cool' or 'sexy', no fuckin' way. And yeah, it hurts. It hurts knowing that no matter what, I'll probably never get a boyfriend. Not in high school, not in college. Not until I look somewhat 'normal'. Because no guy envisions a 'perfect girl' in his head and thinks of her looking like a pineapple head. And if I ever did wear my hair down, I wouldn't feel like me. My bangs get in my face, falling down to the tip of my nose (which requires all my hair to be gelled back into the ponytail, as well) and I get warm easily. So me not being able to see and being warm equivalents to extreme stupidity, and God knows I'm good enough at being stupid on my own.
Now here's a picture of me with a mother fuckin' pineapple. Because there's no such thing as 'punk' in my school, bar... eh, 4 people. And as for 'goths', I've only seen probably 3. Metal heads live on a bit more: maybe 10 I've seen of the like so far. The rest are 'norms.', 'jocks' (including cheerleaders, ladies), 'popular, dizzy girls/ ADHD boys', 'nerds', and 'emos'. So the odds of there being a little 'matchmaker-playout' between me and even someone else that exists is about 1:2600, if I'm lucky. Unfortunately, luck hardly seems to be on my side nowadays...
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
So warm lately...
Been reaching the mid 60s this entire week, and I'm hating it: it's wayyyy too warm for March. This is just not fair...
Learning basically the same thing in Science and Math, both of which I am getting mid B's in. My mother is hardly satisfied... I got nearly straight A's last semester, and I doubt anything less will be toleratable.... not that I'd want to do worse the 2nd semester around, I want to get straight A's this semester.
Have a drawing class this semester instead of a study hall, so it's a bit more difficult to get hw done and such, but 50 minutes spent drawing is nice.
Spring Break begins next week, I just realized, and it's really hitting me how close I am to summer; the 4th Quarter starts on Monday, so only something like 45 school days until school gets out. We go until May 31st :)
Just picked a few classes for summer school -_-; Lovely....
~Darkwingedwolf13
Learning basically the same thing in Science and Math, both of which I am getting mid B's in. My mother is hardly satisfied... I got nearly straight A's last semester, and I doubt anything less will be toleratable.... not that I'd want to do worse the 2nd semester around, I want to get straight A's this semester.
Have a drawing class this semester instead of a study hall, so it's a bit more difficult to get hw done and such, but 50 minutes spent drawing is nice.
Spring Break begins next week, I just realized, and it's really hitting me how close I am to summer; the 4th Quarter starts on Monday, so only something like 45 school days until school gets out. We go until May 31st :)
Just picked a few classes for summer school -_-; Lovely....
~Darkwingedwolf13
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Damn these gender restrains...
Don't ask me why, but guys shirts just look a lot cooler and more comfortable to me than girls shirts. Sue me for not wanting everything falling out everywhere, or super skin-tight fabric. I hate how the 'new style' is ruffles and... jeez, it's just weird as Hell. And now all these 'cutsey plaid' patterns are coming out, with pinks and purples, whereas I think the guy shirts from -gosh, the 90's?- looks a lot cooler. And more comfy. Sort of the lumberjack style? Not much a fan for form-fitting shirts... well, sometimes. But half the shirts I own are either band tees (metal bands, so I'm pretty sure they're not what you'd deem 'school appropriate') Girls button up those plaid flannel shirts, I wear a black wifebeater and leave it un-buttoned.Call me crazy.Hmm... guys pants look appealing aswell. Some. Like the 'fashion kind', the worn-out jean look, jeans that look like the knees have had sand ground into them. But like 90% of the teenage female population, skinny jeans rule too. And there's a pair of rustic red skinny jeans on sale on Hot Topic's website, but they're boy-jeans...
I really want them...
They look frickin' sweet.
I just wanna buy them and take a pocketknife and rip holes in the kneecaps and hang chains from the belt loops...
Damn these sexual boundaries... maybe I don't want to wear shorts above my kneecaps, and maybe I don't want to wear skirts or dresses or knee-high socks or stockings.
Hot Topic had a lot of cool jeans... but I'm always too afraid to go into their stores. Mind you, I'm not 'normal'; I guess you could place me into my own 'slightly -scratch that- fairly sadistic' group in society. Gothic? Sure...I suppose 'going into' one of their stores would either be
a) with my mother (please... God no...)
b) with my friends (who are so 'normal' they start cringing when they hear Underoath playing on the speakers and start wimpering and begging me to leave)
c) alone (that's not going to happen...)
Screwed nevertheless.
What's worse is I tried shopping at Kohl's yesterday with my mom, and after a few minutes of going up and down the aisles, me barely giving anything a second glance and turning down everything she suggested, she said "You're not going 'emo' on my now, are you?". And she actually smiled.Look mom, you don't have the slightest clue what 'emo' is. I blast songs on the computer that have lyrics like "Released in this sodomy. For just one second I am whole." and you don't notice shit. I don't cry in corners, and I don't cut myself, and just because my hair is long and in my face doesn't mean I speak with a lisp and say "God, FUCK MY LIFE!" every twelve seconds. Let's stick to using words that we know the definition of sweetie.
One good thing coming sometime soon in the mail: ordered me some combat boots.
My father understands what I like slightly more than my mother; he laughed at the idea of me getting combat boots, but he took me shopping :)
Still, I never seem to find a good pair of jeans or a t-shirt I'm not ashamed to say I love to death...
I really want them...
They look frickin' sweet.
I just wanna buy them and take a pocketknife and rip holes in the kneecaps and hang chains from the belt loops...
Damn these sexual boundaries... maybe I don't want to wear shorts above my kneecaps, and maybe I don't want to wear skirts or dresses or knee-high socks or stockings.
Hot Topic had a lot of cool jeans... but I'm always too afraid to go into their stores. Mind you, I'm not 'normal'; I guess you could place me into my own 'slightly -scratch that- fairly sadistic' group in society. Gothic? Sure...I suppose 'going into' one of their stores would either be
a) with my mother (please... God no...)
b) with my friends (who are so 'normal' they start cringing when they hear Underoath playing on the speakers and start wimpering and begging me to leave)
c) alone (that's not going to happen...)
Screwed nevertheless.
What's worse is I tried shopping at Kohl's yesterday with my mom, and after a few minutes of going up and down the aisles, me barely giving anything a second glance and turning down everything she suggested, she said "You're not going 'emo' on my now, are you?". And she actually smiled.Look mom, you don't have the slightest clue what 'emo' is. I blast songs on the computer that have lyrics like "Released in this sodomy. For just one second I am whole." and you don't notice shit. I don't cry in corners, and I don't cut myself, and just because my hair is long and in my face doesn't mean I speak with a lisp and say "God, FUCK MY LIFE!" every twelve seconds. Let's stick to using words that we know the definition of sweetie.
One good thing coming sometime soon in the mail: ordered me some combat boots.
My father understands what I like slightly more than my mother; he laughed at the idea of me getting combat boots, but he took me shopping :)
Still, I never seem to find a good pair of jeans or a t-shirt I'm not ashamed to say I love to death...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Challenge Day
Basically a day where we talked about our feelings. I was tricked into believing when I first read the noticed that said I'd been nomminated that it was something to strengthen our leadership skills, so I figured "Hell? Why not? Good for a college resume, right?"
Totally opposite.
Involved a lot of hugging... o_o
Got into small groups and talked about our feelings, but in a non-stupid guidiance way; more like a cool, I know how you're feeling kind of way. Basically, we're all fucked up, and we got a chance to talk about it. It was nice.
Did this one thing where we 'crossed the line' whenever something applied to us, so the woman would say "How many of you are under 18?" and we all stepped over the line something like 20 feet away, bar the teachers. But then the questions evolved from just 'Cross this line if you are hispanic' to 'Cross this line if one or both of your parent's have died.' and 'Cross this line if you've ever been hit, spat on, or physically abused by someone in your family.' or 'Cross this line if someone in your family has an addiction, to anything: alcohol, drugs, gambling.' and 'cross this line if you've ever lost sleep worrying over someone'. and 'Cross this line if you're afraid of being home.' or 'Cross this line if you hear gunshots in your neighborhood and are afraid to sleep.'
Pretty burtal stuff, and it was horrifying to see just how many kids from high school crossed that line repeatedly.
Her last question was 'Cross this line if you were ever a child.' and some of us misinterperated it, but her point was that some kids didn't cross that line, and they never got the chance to be a child.
We got assigned to small groups of 5-6 students and talked about 'If you knew me, then you'd know.... if you really knew me, then you'd know... if you really really knew me, you'd know....'
and say things that we just kept burrowed inside of us to random strangers.
Again, lots of hugging....
It was incredible listening to some of the things people had gone through; we're just kids. And people, I mean, even the preps, some of them crossed that line and started crying and I couldn't believe some of the things they went through.
Just feel really emotionally drained right now, super sleepy, just wanna take a nap, like I just woke up from a restless night's sleep and have to go to school (and I still have homework, too)
My head just hurts and I feel really numb.
I didn't let people hug me, so these two guys, Mark and Dan (freshman and senior) hugged me both at once. I've known Mark since middle school so he knew I didn't like being hugged...
Kind of weird.
At the same time, though, I wished I would have hugged them. Wouldn't that be the greatest? Hug someone, actually hug someone who loves you because they want to, not because they have to, and then never let go? Hold on to them for as long as you needed.... cry against them, even.
But I couldn't
We were at school
I don't even know them
It was funny because Dan couldn't see why I didn't like people touching me and I was joking and just saying I'm not comfortable with physical contact. The truth is, though, that I feel it's so intimate, and I don't want to throw it around like that. You know how when you walk down the hallways, you'll hear girls throw out "I love you" to one another or hug each other, because that's how they great each other? I'm not like that. When I hug someone, I want there to be a purpose behind it. I want to hug someone because I haven't seen them in so long and I feel overwelmed with joy. I want to hug someone because I love them. Guess that's why I don't flip someone the bird willy-nilly (Christ, I know, that sounds so stupid, but I feel so numb right now, and my head is just mush, the way it feels after non-stop 10 hours of TV and watching random soap operas and just feeling dead) Haven't flipped anyone the bird, really. Done that + thing with my arms that's "Ugh! So 1980's!" Does that have a name? Someone tell me if it does...
Well, all that emotional 'cross the line' stuff kept reminding me of my 'We Are' series and Jayden and just to what extends I can make his life fucked-up and still plausible and something people can think about.
Smiles for that :)
~DarkWingedWolf13
Totally opposite.
Involved a lot of hugging... o_o
Got into small groups and talked about our feelings, but in a non-stupid guidiance way; more like a cool, I know how you're feeling kind of way. Basically, we're all fucked up, and we got a chance to talk about it. It was nice.
Did this one thing where we 'crossed the line' whenever something applied to us, so the woman would say "How many of you are under 18?" and we all stepped over the line something like 20 feet away, bar the teachers. But then the questions evolved from just 'Cross this line if you are hispanic' to 'Cross this line if one or both of your parent's have died.' and 'Cross this line if you've ever been hit, spat on, or physically abused by someone in your family.' or 'Cross this line if someone in your family has an addiction, to anything: alcohol, drugs, gambling.' and 'cross this line if you've ever lost sleep worrying over someone'. and 'Cross this line if you're afraid of being home.' or 'Cross this line if you hear gunshots in your neighborhood and are afraid to sleep.'
Pretty burtal stuff, and it was horrifying to see just how many kids from high school crossed that line repeatedly.
Her last question was 'Cross this line if you were ever a child.' and some of us misinterperated it, but her point was that some kids didn't cross that line, and they never got the chance to be a child.
We got assigned to small groups of 5-6 students and talked about 'If you knew me, then you'd know.... if you really knew me, then you'd know... if you really really knew me, you'd know....'
and say things that we just kept burrowed inside of us to random strangers.
Again, lots of hugging....
It was incredible listening to some of the things people had gone through; we're just kids. And people, I mean, even the preps, some of them crossed that line and started crying and I couldn't believe some of the things they went through.
Just feel really emotionally drained right now, super sleepy, just wanna take a nap, like I just woke up from a restless night's sleep and have to go to school (and I still have homework, too)
My head just hurts and I feel really numb.
I didn't let people hug me, so these two guys, Mark and Dan (freshman and senior) hugged me both at once. I've known Mark since middle school so he knew I didn't like being hugged...
Kind of weird.
At the same time, though, I wished I would have hugged them. Wouldn't that be the greatest? Hug someone, actually hug someone who loves you because they want to, not because they have to, and then never let go? Hold on to them for as long as you needed.... cry against them, even.
But I couldn't
We were at school
I don't even know them
It was funny because Dan couldn't see why I didn't like people touching me and I was joking and just saying I'm not comfortable with physical contact. The truth is, though, that I feel it's so intimate, and I don't want to throw it around like that. You know how when you walk down the hallways, you'll hear girls throw out "I love you" to one another or hug each other, because that's how they great each other? I'm not like that. When I hug someone, I want there to be a purpose behind it. I want to hug someone because I haven't seen them in so long and I feel overwelmed with joy. I want to hug someone because I love them. Guess that's why I don't flip someone the bird willy-nilly (Christ, I know, that sounds so stupid, but I feel so numb right now, and my head is just mush, the way it feels after non-stop 10 hours of TV and watching random soap operas and just feeling dead) Haven't flipped anyone the bird, really. Done that + thing with my arms that's "Ugh! So 1980's!" Does that have a name? Someone tell me if it does...
Well, all that emotional 'cross the line' stuff kept reminding me of my 'We Are' series and Jayden and just to what extends I can make his life fucked-up and still plausible and something people can think about.
Smiles for that :)
~DarkWingedWolf13
Monday, October 5, 2009
SIN
Thought it was a joke
Just for fun
Played along
Just for fun
Chatted with one boy
Just for fun
We toyed with another boy's heart
Just for fun
Like fate I be,
Just for fun
We pretended to hook up
Just as pretend
I talked with the other, saying I loved him
Just as pretend
He hooked us up over a chat
We laughed behind his back
Just for fun
Just to mess with his head
So why do I feel I'm
Better off dead?
Why is this knot tightening in my stomach?
When just for fun
He told me that that boy said
'Great, you got to hook up with her,
and I got stuck just being the guy friend'
Toyed with his heart, I fear
This can't just be a joke
Isn't fun anymore
I talked with that boy
I thanked him for being with me
When I shed tears
It wasn't for fun
I was serious
But I don't feel that way
Don't 'like him' like that
But I'm afraid
Like fate I've toyed with that boy's heart
And cut it open with a blade
To expose the pusling veins
And I think that
He likes me more than a friend
For a moment I wonder
'Are they joking with me?
Toying with me just like we did to him?'
I don't think so
My gut says 'No,
You cut open his heart
You expose the pulsing vein
the weakness of a boy's heart
when he likes a girl like this'
Such a sin
Such a sin
Why did I let him convince me
To fuck with his mind
Just for fun
Not for fun
Fun for one?
Can't say so
My heart says no
Such a sin
Such a sin
What have I done to him?
(Can you see the difference? Bold is my friend, just joking. Italic is boy whose mind and heart we fucked with) Just thoughts, no, feelings. My fingers move, I feel this, but betwen my fingers and my brain, there is no thinking. Only movement. Maybe I should have been thinking ten minutes ago. This doesn't feel right. Damn you facebook and chat speaks and status up dates. Dammit. Dammit....
~Darkwingedwolf13
I'M A FUCKIN BITCH
Just for fun
Played along
Just for fun
Chatted with one boy
Just for fun
We toyed with another boy's heart
Just for fun
Like fate I be,
Just for fun
We pretended to hook up
Just as pretend
I talked with the other, saying I loved him
Just as pretend
He hooked us up over a chat
We laughed behind his back
Just for fun
Just to mess with his head
So why do I feel I'm
Better off dead?
Why is this knot tightening in my stomach?
When just for fun
He told me that that boy said
'Great, you got to hook up with her,
and I got stuck just being the guy friend'
Toyed with his heart, I fear
This can't just be a joke
Isn't fun anymore
I talked with that boy
I thanked him for being with me
When I shed tears
It wasn't for fun
I was serious
But I don't feel that way
Don't 'like him' like that
But I'm afraid
Like fate I've toyed with that boy's heart
And cut it open with a blade
To expose the pusling veins
And I think that
He likes me more than a friend
For a moment I wonder
'Are they joking with me?
Toying with me just like we did to him?'
I don't think so
My gut says 'No,
You cut open his heart
You expose the pulsing vein
the weakness of a boy's heart
when he likes a girl like this'
Such a sin
Such a sin
Why did I let him convince me
To fuck with his mind
Just for fun
Not for fun
Fun for one?
Can't say so
My heart says no
Such a sin
Such a sin
What have I done to him?
(Can you see the difference? Bold is my friend, just joking. Italic is boy whose mind and heart we fucked with) Just thoughts, no, feelings. My fingers move, I feel this, but betwen my fingers and my brain, there is no thinking. Only movement. Maybe I should have been thinking ten minutes ago. This doesn't feel right. Damn you facebook and chat speaks and status up dates. Dammit. Dammit....
~Darkwingedwolf13
I'M A FUCKIN BITCH
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